Knowing and Doing What Matters

I was recently involved in a Twitter chat relating to bullying at school. While this problem could have a devastating effect on children, people of any age can be affected by it. Bullying, intimidation and being picked on come in many different forms.

I can recall a story that happened to me while living in the UK in the 1990s. After completing my master’s degree, my thesis advisor offered me a job as a research assistant under his supervision. I was the main bread winner in our household since my husband had already started his Ph.D. and had limited financial support for his research. I accepted this job offer without thinking twice about its conditions. Covering our expenses was foremost on my mind.

So instead of giving me a proper contract that lasted a year, my advisor (I will call him Dr. D. hereafter) offered shorter contracts ranging from 3 months to 6 months with the same excuse: “If you work well and deliver the goods, you will be given another contract.” The situation remained like that for a period of 3 years until one day I received a call from Dr. C., the graduate students’ supervisor. Dr C. wanted to know why I was not registered for a Ph.D. although I had been working as a researcher for 3 consecutive years in the same department. I replied frankly that I couldn’t afford to pay for my Ph.D. fees while supporting my husband. He then replied, “But you don’t have to pay for your fees if you are a research assistant. Didn’t your advisor tell you that?” I was embarrassed to tell him the truth about my short contracts. He then replied, “Go back to your advisor and tell him to register you now in the Ph.D. program. That’s your right.” I did what Dr. C. asked me to do and my advisor accepted my request at once. He could not refuse because he knew that he had been abusing his power and that if it became known that he had perpetrated such an incident, his career at the university could be ruined.

So why did Dr. D. behave like that, and why was I silent about it?

• I was a foreigner and didn't know what my rights were as a graduate assistant and student.
• It had nothing to do with me. Dr. D. was very insecure and had difficulties trusting people
• As I was in a powerless position, I could not officially complain about my abusive supervisor. I needed this work, and there was no safe way to complain and no implemented process by which to fix problems between students and advisors.
• Never in my mind did I intend to take revenge on my advisor. After I registered for my Ph.D., Dr. D. learned a lesson from his mistake and did not repeat it with another student.

“I would rather be a little nobody, than to be an evil somebody.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Not everyone has been the victim of bullies, but everyone has seen bullying and abusive bosses, advisors and personnel. Seeing it and keeping silent and not objecting, could have a damaging effect that lingers for years if not decades. Not only knowing, but doing what is right, is what really matters.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” ― Desmond Tutu

We focus in this world so much on our differences. This has helped lead to negativity and bullying. If, on the contrary, everybody focused on what we have in common, our humanity, we would be able to live in harmony. And instead of fighting about our diversity we would be celebrating it!

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

*Enclosed photo can be found here

Friendship: The Best Thing that Comes to Life

It seems that life in my region goes through a closed circle. When you feel that you have reached a degree of peaceful living and you start to make tentative plans for your life, violence erupts again and brings you back to square one, as uncertainty and stress dominate.

In the past, I have managed to overcome my stress through different activities such as drawing, reading, watching movies and listening to music. In the last couple of years, however, social media has been my stress-relief tool. I started actively using the Internet around the year 2008, connecting with my old friends scattered around the world and making new friends. 

Friends through social media come and go just like in real life. Nevertheless, they can truly affect our lives during the span of our connection and sometimes well beyond.

I recall when Dad was on his death bed, he kept asking Mum about his old friends and neighbors. Mum first thought that he was delusional and said, “Why don’t you ask about your brothers and sisters?” His answer rather striking: “My brothers and sisters know that I am about to die and have not shown up for a visit. I want to know if my old friends know how I am doing and if anyone inquired about me.” Dad’s statement was clear and came straight from the heart. 

Dad had an outgoing and remarkable personality that made him very lovable and enjoyable to be with. When he died at the age of 94, a large number of his long-lost friends attended his funeral service. 

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” ― A.A. Milne, author of Winnie-the-Pooh

Coming back to me, over the years and especially during our times of crisis, many of my current and long lost friends contacted me to offer help and support. Do I expect everyone to call? Of course not. Some could be overwhelmed dealing with their own personal problems. It seems that others wish to join me only during times of happiness or peace, or connect with me because they simply need me and do not want to give anything in return.

What I have learned from the many different friendships I have made over the years in real life and on social media is the following:

• Being afraid to connect with new people because they might not become genuine friends could endanger the possibility of making any valuable connection. 

• Getting obsessed with the idea that social media friends are not real and can’t do any good for us is an absurd thought since over the years some of my social media friends showed me far more empathy and compassion than the “real-life” ones.
• Showing people that you care does not mean that you want to possess them. It only means that they are special; they can count on you at any time and trust you with their friendship. 
• Trying to contact someone after a long period of disconnection does not mean that you are out of touch with reality. People we once loved and cared about are always in the back of our mind and they can pop up unexpectedly in our thoughts and in our lives. 
• Don't be too busy for your friends, and don't take them for granted. When I ask myself which person in my life means the most to me, I often think of those who have equally shared my joy and pain, talked to me in an hour of confusion and listened to me relentlessly.

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” ― Albert Camus 

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

Is there an extra couch for the night?

This morning, while we were driving up to my native village on a very brisk zigzag country road, I saw a middle-aged woman standing on the side of the road waving. She was hitchhiking. My husband, who was driving our car, kept going while I urged him to stop and give the woman a ride. He argued that the car was full with five people in it, and we didn’t know the lady. My answer was if I put one of the kids on my lap there would be space for her. Furthermore, I had no problem with the idea of offering a ride to a total stranger.

“The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.” ―William Wordsworth

This little episode triggered another story from my past. I was born and raised in a two-bedroom flat in a suburb of Beirut. Although our flat could barely accommodate seven people—in addition to mum and dad I have two brothers and two sisters—we managed to squeeze in with no complaints. There were two bedrooms and two sofa beds in the living room. Dad slept on one of them and the second was kept for any unexpected guest. In fact, this extra sofa bed was not only used by friends and relatives, but also by some guests whom we hardly knew.

The civil war in my country affected all its parts but not concurrently. The violence moved in a random fashion from one place to another, where conflicting militias, even former allies, fought each other. So sometimes, our neighborhood was slightly safer than other parts of the country and sometimes not depending on who was fighting whom. During what might be called our off-violence periods, our neighborhood was flooded with people seeking shelter with relatives and friends. Our extra sofa bed, as you might have predicted, was used a multitude of times for that purpose.

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” ―Mother Teresa

I appreciated why we offered a safe place to our relatives and friends, but I was too young to understand why we would do so to strangers. My parents explained that duty compelled us to do it because these “guests” were related to our neighbors and there were not enough sleeping spots for them in one place so they had to sleep where they could. What if we were on the run in a strange neighborhood—wouldn’t we hope somebody would take us in for the night?

One time, my sister who taught at a school 20 kilometers away from home got stuck in her school because of fighting that suddenly erupted between two formerly allied militias. When my parents ascertained how dangerous it would be to cross these newly erupted frontlines, they conferred with our neighbors to check the availability of any shelter for my sister and found her a place in the house of the relatives of one of our neighbors where she stayed a couple of days until the road re-opened and was safe for her to come back home. 

“Our actions are like ships which we may watch set out to sea, and not know when or with what cargo they will return to port.” ― Iris Murdoch

The possibility of being in a situation where we might need to give a helping hand to someone we know—or don’t know—might arise at any time in our lives. Civil wars do not happen that often, nor do natural disasters, but personal conflicts and accidents could happen anytime and to anyone. So before saying no to that request for help, always keep in mind that:

• Your son or daughter could be standing on that office door seeking help or advice from someone they hardly know.
• There is no safe roof above any one’s head; no one is untouchable and you might need to sleep one day on someone else’s extra couch, or your car could break down in the middle of nowhere and you might need to ask a total stranger for a ride. 
• An act of kindness is never wasted because it remains in the hearts of all involved, and spreads from one to another, creating a long chain of love.
• Even if you have little to give, you still have the power to change someone’s life by simply offering a gracious smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a helping hand, a piece of your heart.

“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” ― Dalai Lama

Picture by Hoda Maalouf
Thank you RAP for your valuable comments!