Serving With Heart

“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” ― Dalai Lama

My love for people seems to have started at a very early age. Being brought up in a busy neighborhood in Beirut shaped my love for service and leadership. The other kids flocked after me to play and to join any activity I started. While some of them enjoyed kindling quarrels, I was the one who solved the problems and found a peaceful solution among my polarized friends.

My life was going perfectly well, I had lots of friends, was highly active and an extrovert until the age of 11 when the civil war started in my country. Partly for reasons of personal safety, I suddenly turned inward, left my neighborhood friends and their stories, and sat down alone, listening to music and reading countless books. At first, my books were about romance and fiction, and then I shifted to more serious materials—like history books, memoirs and literature. Reading was my escape, my mind developer and my future shaper.

At the age of 16, I thought I knew what I would do with my life. I wanted to rise above my ugly, brutal reality and change things, creating something new. I had big dreams, and I wanted to achieve them. Nothing would stop me from pursuing them, not even the war. I knew the only way to achieve that was to focus on my studies and work hard.

In spite of the dreadful situation in my country, I managed to excel at school and university. This enabled me to seize a very rare scholarship to pursue higher education at one of the most prestigious universities in the United Kingdom.

My love for people and my social skills resurfaced when I moved there. It was because I could relax and enjoy a normal life, and was no longer living in fear. I met lots of people who quickly became my friends. I hosted parties and was the glue among my diverse friends who came from different backgrounds and countries.

After completing my Ph.D. studies, I came back home and joined the faculty at Notre Dame University. In addition to teaching, I was the academic advisor of a large number of students. Working in academia was a blessing for me as it allowed me to be in contact with and serve many students on a daily basis.

At the end of my second year at NDU, I was asked to chair my department. I accepted the offer without any reservation because I knew deep down that with this new position I could do what I love best: connect, listen and serve.

There are endless stories I could share about my work here, but I am particularly fond of the following one:

In one of my classes, I had a timid student who sported a punkish hair style. In the middle of the semester, he disappeared and I knew nothing about him until his older brother came to fill in a withdrawal form for all of his courses. I enquired about his reason for having dropped the semester but the brother refused to talk about it. Two years later, I had a call from the student affairs officer who had an unusual request.

He said, “I would understand if you refuse to help because the other chairpersons have refused, but I just want to try with you.” He then added, “There was a student who took a course with you two years ago who dropped the course. His name was X.” I said, “Yes, I remember him very well.” He replied, “Well, he disappeared from your class because he was arrested for possession of drugs and then he was put in jail as the quantity he had was slightly larger than that of personal usage.” Then he added, “Now, he is totally clean from drugs and is feeling really wasted and just needs another chance to resume his courses.” My immediate reaction was to ask how I could help the young man.

Then we agreed that I would send him all the course materials and the student affairs officer would pay a visit to see whether he was facing problems and report back to me. The student sat for an exam in the presence of the SAO officer and passed the course. The following semester, he passed two courses that I arranged with other instructors from my department. The next academic year, I got a surprise visit from my formerly estranged student. He looked older and wiser. He gave me a good hug and thanked me for what I had done. Then we sat together and discussed how he could proceed to finish his degree. He did just that and started a new life, sober and clean.  

Finally, let me share with you the basic lessons I have picked up from my modest experience in serving others:

• If you connect, listen and help with all your heart, your actions will be echoed all around you and for many years to come.
• You need to support and aid others before starting to lead them.
• Embrace diversity, accept people for who they are and acknowledge that we are all different in the way we perceive the world, in what we like or dislike.
• Empathize, let your people feel that you care for them and that you share mutual trust. They will open up to you, and their problems will become less overwhelming and manageable.

 “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ― Confucius

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

Is there an extra couch for the night?

This morning, while we were driving up to my native village on a very brisk zigzag country road, I saw a middle-aged woman standing on the side of the road waving. She was hitchhiking. My husband, who was driving our car, kept going while I urged him to stop and give the woman a ride. He argued that the car was full with five people in it, and we didn’t know the lady. My answer was if I put one of the kids on my lap there would be space for her. Furthermore, I had no problem with the idea of offering a ride to a total stranger.

“The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.” ―William Wordsworth

This little episode triggered another story from my past. I was born and raised in a two-bedroom flat in a suburb of Beirut. Although our flat could barely accommodate seven people—in addition to mum and dad I have two brothers and two sisters—we managed to squeeze in with no complaints. There were two bedrooms and two sofa beds in the living room. Dad slept on one of them and the second was kept for any unexpected guest. In fact, this extra sofa bed was not only used by friends and relatives, but also by some guests whom we hardly knew.

The civil war in my country affected all its parts but not concurrently. The violence moved in a random fashion from one place to another, where conflicting militias, even former allies, fought each other. So sometimes, our neighborhood was slightly safer than other parts of the country and sometimes not depending on who was fighting whom. During what might be called our off-violence periods, our neighborhood was flooded with people seeking shelter with relatives and friends. Our extra sofa bed, as you might have predicted, was used a multitude of times for that purpose.

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” ―Mother Teresa

I appreciated why we offered a safe place to our relatives and friends, but I was too young to understand why we would do so to strangers. My parents explained that duty compelled us to do it because these “guests” were related to our neighbors and there were not enough sleeping spots for them in one place so they had to sleep where they could. What if we were on the run in a strange neighborhood—wouldn’t we hope somebody would take us in for the night?

One time, my sister who taught at a school 20 kilometers away from home got stuck in her school because of fighting that suddenly erupted between two formerly allied militias. When my parents ascertained how dangerous it would be to cross these newly erupted frontlines, they conferred with our neighbors to check the availability of any shelter for my sister and found her a place in the house of the relatives of one of our neighbors where she stayed a couple of days until the road re-opened and was safe for her to come back home. 

“Our actions are like ships which we may watch set out to sea, and not know when or with what cargo they will return to port.” ― Iris Murdoch

The possibility of being in a situation where we might need to give a helping hand to someone we know—or don’t know—might arise at any time in our lives. Civil wars do not happen that often, nor do natural disasters, but personal conflicts and accidents could happen anytime and to anyone. So before saying no to that request for help, always keep in mind that:

• Your son or daughter could be standing on that office door seeking help or advice from someone they hardly know.
• There is no safe roof above any one’s head; no one is untouchable and you might need to sleep one day on someone else’s extra couch, or your car could break down in the middle of nowhere and you might need to ask a total stranger for a ride. 
• An act of kindness is never wasted because it remains in the hearts of all involved, and spreads from one to another, creating a long chain of love.
• Even if you have little to give, you still have the power to change someone’s life by simply offering a gracious smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a helping hand, a piece of your heart.

“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” ― Dalai Lama

Picture by Hoda Maalouf
Thank you RAP for your valuable comments!