You Can’t Hurry Love—No, You’ll Just Have to Wait

I was two years old in 1966 when the Supremes came out with that big hit song on Motown Records. Written from the perspective of a mother to her impatient daughter, it contains a lot of wisdom.

Along the same line, these days just about the only thing we receive by post is junk mail, bills and business letters! We rarely get something we really cherish unless it’s a gift sent to us or a book we have ordered. I don’t even know the postman who delivers my mail these days. If you know yours, you are fortunate. 

I recall when I was younger and madly in love with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). He had gone to the US to pursue his graduate studies. At that time, there was no Internet and the landline telephone system scarcely worked as we were in the midst of the civil war in Lebanon. I used to write a diary every single evening and then after two weeks I sealed it in an envelope and sent it to him by post. I did that religiously, and he did the same. Our letters took two or three weeks to cross the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea, and I waited for them patiently and with anguish. 

“The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter.” ― Mark Twain

The postman who brought these love letters was a very nice man in his fifties. He quickly realized how much they meant to me, so every time he had something for me, he rushed to our house with a big smile on his face to hand me the letter. I can still remember him coming from down the street to our house in such a kindly manner. And when he crossed the street with no letter for me, he would make a “sorry” sign on his face, letting me know that I had to wait a bit longer for the next letter from the States. I dreaded Sundays and holidays because I knew the postman would not be knocking on the door.

 “More than kisses, letters mingle souls.” ― John Donne

The arrival rate of these back-and-forth love letters could not keep pace with our elevated heart rates, so my boyfriend cut short his stay in the US and came back home to finish his master’s degree at a local university. As a result, the letters stopped coming. The kind postman worried that my boyfriend had left me, so he asked Dad about me to make sure that I was doing fine. 

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” ― Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Nowadays, we are far removed from the ’80s, when there was no Internet, instant messaging or Skype phone calls. This is affecting all of us and in particular the younger generation which has grown accustomed to being bombarded with fast-turnover information; they filter it instantly without paying much attention to its meaning. Our whole society is becoming instantaneous, just like instant messaging, instant photography, instant news, instant coffee and so forth. We are unwilling to decipher any complicated messages, wanting things simple and fast. Depth and nuance are out the window.

The biggest weakness of today’s generation is impatience. If I may generalize, it seems that young people want to see things happen immediately or get changes in place right away. They have no patience to let things develop and watch as situations ripen. Real dreams take work and time—and yes, patience. That tends to win out in the end.

“Traveler, there is no path; the path is made by walking…Beat by beat, verse by verse.” ―Antonio Machado

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

Gifts That Really Matter

As the holiday season approaches, we see more quotes and posts about gifts, Santa Claus and Christmas lists. One that caught my attention lately says, “I think as you grow older, your Christmas list gets smaller and the things you really want for the holidays can’t be bought.” Reading this quote made me think how my Christmas lists have changed over the years.

Like any child, I loved dolls and soft toys but I had only a few as my parents could not afford to indulge me with presents. We were five kids and my dad’s job was not going well at the time. What mattered most to my parents was for us to be well educated and well fed. Dolls and toys were never a priority for them, even for Christmas. During my impressionable childhood, this was somehow upsetting to me. But now I have the perspective of a few years, and when I reconsider the situation, how much did I miss? Not much at all. On the contrary, having only what was strictly necessary made me appreciate more what was really important in life and motivated me to work harder and improve my status.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” ―Denis Waitley

I was 11 when the civil war started in my country. The surrounded violence turned me from a joyful extroverted child to an introverted teenager. I loved reading, drawing, listening to music and watching movies. The gifts that I enjoyed most were music tapes and CDs. I never had any interest in fancy gifts, and that never changed in me. In fact, I recall an incident in one of my wedding anniversaries; my husband surprised me with an expensive piece of jewelry. But he was disappointed upon seeing my facial reaction when I opened the gift. At that time, I wished that he had bought me Time Traveler, a set of five CDs by the Moody Blues that I had seen earlier with him. He knew how much I loved this band and how much I cherish such gifts. 

The years went by, and the thing I wanted most was to have a child. But this was not an easy task for me. Ironically, the only tests I ever failed in my life were pregnancy tests. But I never gave up. Deep down inside, I knew I would have my own kids. Finally, after 20 years of childless marriage, seven IVF trials, loads of medicines and injections, and three miscarriages I had beautiful twins, one of each gender.

“Everything you need will come to you at the perfect time.” ―Unknown

Since the day they were born, my twins were pampered with expensive presents by family members and friends. But what amazes me most is that my four-year-old kids are more interested in some unusual gifts that they can buy from a vending machine in a local store, made of very small plastic boxes that cost almost nothing, each of which contains each a small toy. My daughter and son are always fascinated by these tiny gifts, which may contain fake jewelry, colorful bouncing balls, tiny cars or some build-it-yourself toys. This reminds me that the joy brought by any gift has nothing to do with its size or material value; it’s only the pleasure of unfolding it and discovering what is inside that matters most.

“Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us.” ― Boris Pasternak

Almost two years ago, my father died at the age of 94. He left behind some great stories and memories. When I visit my parents’ house, I always expect him to appear from behind, but he doesn't. There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone we love, and why even make the attempt? Our memories and gratitude are our precious gifts that can fill the emptiness created by the loss of our loved ones and transform the pain of their loss into acceptance. 

Thus, the gifts that I appreciate most are the ones that are useful in my life—that is:

• Love, to give and receive abundantly.
• Peace, to be able to live freely and with dignity.
• Time, to live and love the way it matters to me. 

“Everything I know, I know because of love.” ― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!
* Corel Drawing by Hoda Maalouf 

Is there an extra couch for the night?

This morning, while we were driving up to my native village on a very brisk zigzag country road, I saw a middle-aged woman standing on the side of the road waving. She was hitchhiking. My husband, who was driving our car, kept going while I urged him to stop and give the woman a ride. He argued that the car was full with five people in it, and we didn’t know the lady. My answer was if I put one of the kids on my lap there would be space for her. Furthermore, I had no problem with the idea of offering a ride to a total stranger.

“The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.” ―William Wordsworth

This little episode triggered another story from my past. I was born and raised in a two-bedroom flat in a suburb of Beirut. Although our flat could barely accommodate seven people—in addition to mum and dad I have two brothers and two sisters—we managed to squeeze in with no complaints. There were two bedrooms and two sofa beds in the living room. Dad slept on one of them and the second was kept for any unexpected guest. In fact, this extra sofa bed was not only used by friends and relatives, but also by some guests whom we hardly knew.

The civil war in my country affected all its parts but not concurrently. The violence moved in a random fashion from one place to another, where conflicting militias, even former allies, fought each other. So sometimes, our neighborhood was slightly safer than other parts of the country and sometimes not depending on who was fighting whom. During what might be called our off-violence periods, our neighborhood was flooded with people seeking shelter with relatives and friends. Our extra sofa bed, as you might have predicted, was used a multitude of times for that purpose.

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” ―Mother Teresa

I appreciated why we offered a safe place to our relatives and friends, but I was too young to understand why we would do so to strangers. My parents explained that duty compelled us to do it because these “guests” were related to our neighbors and there were not enough sleeping spots for them in one place so they had to sleep where they could. What if we were on the run in a strange neighborhood—wouldn’t we hope somebody would take us in for the night?

One time, my sister who taught at a school 20 kilometers away from home got stuck in her school because of fighting that suddenly erupted between two formerly allied militias. When my parents ascertained how dangerous it would be to cross these newly erupted frontlines, they conferred with our neighbors to check the availability of any shelter for my sister and found her a place in the house of the relatives of one of our neighbors where she stayed a couple of days until the road re-opened and was safe for her to come back home. 

“Our actions are like ships which we may watch set out to sea, and not know when or with what cargo they will return to port.” ― Iris Murdoch

The possibility of being in a situation where we might need to give a helping hand to someone we know—or don’t know—might arise at any time in our lives. Civil wars do not happen that often, nor do natural disasters, but personal conflicts and accidents could happen anytime and to anyone. So before saying no to that request for help, always keep in mind that:

• Your son or daughter could be standing on that office door seeking help or advice from someone they hardly know.
• There is no safe roof above any one’s head; no one is untouchable and you might need to sleep one day on someone else’s extra couch, or your car could break down in the middle of nowhere and you might need to ask a total stranger for a ride. 
• An act of kindness is never wasted because it remains in the hearts of all involved, and spreads from one to another, creating a long chain of love.
• Even if you have little to give, you still have the power to change someone’s life by simply offering a gracious smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a helping hand, a piece of your heart.

“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” ― Dalai Lama

Picture by Hoda Maalouf
Thank you RAP for your valuable comments!