Break Through With Gratitude

My childhood was not exactly typical. As a result, the circumstances of my formative years instilled in me the practice of never taking anything for granted and of trying to appreciate everything in life—no matter how small. 

I was born and raised in the eastern suburbs of Beirut with a majority-Christian population, where right-wing political parties and militias dominated on the ground. My mother originates from Zahle, a large Christian town in the middle of the Bekaa Valley where a majority of Muslim and left-wing militias dominated during the war. Zahle was put under siege several times and paid an enormous price in term of casualties and destruction over the war period, roughly 1975 to 1990.

When my uncle (Mum’s brother) passed away in the 1980s, the situation in the Bekaa was relatively calm, so my parents decided that we would all go to my uncle’s funeral. All seven of us—Mum, Dad, my two sisters and brothers and I—rented two taxis to go to Zahle and give final respects to my dead uncle. On our way back from the funeral, however, a military road-block was suddenly put on the highway from Zahle to Beirut. Cars were checked and some people, mostly young men, were pulled out and were told to stand aside. We got worried sick! My two brothers were in their early 20s. Although they were never involved in any type of political activity, it was difficult to predict at that time what these militias wanted. They held lists of names for people they were looking for. “Maalouf” is a very big clan in Lebanon, and thousands carry this surname so obviously some of “us” were active during the war. Luckily, my two brothers’ names were not common names and were not included on that black list.  

That evening, we were all quiet at dinner and grateful to our parents for having given us some uncommon names! Seeing all of us at the table that evening was a real blessing and filled my heart with gratitude.

Looking back on those 15 long years living in a war zone, I see that growing up in such circumstances deeply affected me, shaped my very personality, and taught me how to break through difficulties by appreciating life’s most basic gifts: being alive, being in good health and being surrounded by family and friends.

Mercifully, we don’t all live in a country torn by civil war, but we all have other kinds of war to deal with. Keeping a grateful attitude makes us see the positive in every situation—even those that are ugly and violent. 

"Gratitude gives us the drive and energy to get up, shake off the dust, rebuild what was broken and move on with our lives."

To read similar stories, please check my co-authored book Energize Your Leadership: Discover, Ignite, Break Through. It was written by 16 authors with one common goal—to inspire people to rethink their personal and professional attitudes. Sixteen real-life stories were composed for readers who want to excel and make a difference in the lives of their students, colleagues and so on. The book is divided into four parts: “Energize Yourself,” “Energize Others,” “Energize Your Workplace” and “Energize Your Future.” Each chapter’s content stands on its own, so the book can be read in any order. Furthermore, all chapters follow the same framework: the author’s personal narrative, the lesson learned from the story, a few key questions for the reader to ponder, and finally some action steps based on the theme of each chapter. 

Get your copy by clicking here.

* Artwork by Maria Matta

Knowing and Doing What Matters

I was recently involved in a Twitter chat relating to bullying at school. While this problem could have a devastating effect on children, people of any age can be affected by it. Bullying, intimidation and being picked on come in many different forms.

I can recall a story that happened to me while living in the UK in the 1990s. After completing my master’s degree, my thesis advisor offered me a job as a research assistant under his supervision. I was the main bread winner in our household since my husband had already started his Ph.D. and had limited financial support for his research. I accepted this job offer without thinking twice about its conditions. Covering our expenses was foremost on my mind.

So instead of giving me a proper contract that lasted a year, my advisor (I will call him Dr. D. hereafter) offered shorter contracts ranging from 3 months to 6 months with the same excuse: “If you work well and deliver the goods, you will be given another contract.” The situation remained like that for a period of 3 years until one day I received a call from Dr. C., the graduate students’ supervisor. Dr C. wanted to know why I was not registered for a Ph.D. although I had been working as a researcher for 3 consecutive years in the same department. I replied frankly that I couldn’t afford to pay for my Ph.D. fees while supporting my husband. He then replied, “But you don’t have to pay for your fees if you are a research assistant. Didn’t your advisor tell you that?” I was embarrassed to tell him the truth about my short contracts. He then replied, “Go back to your advisor and tell him to register you now in the Ph.D. program. That’s your right.” I did what Dr. C. asked me to do and my advisor accepted my request at once. He could not refuse because he knew that he had been abusing his power and that if it became known that he had perpetrated such an incident, his career at the university could be ruined.

So why did Dr. D. behave like that, and why was I silent about it?

• I was a foreigner and didn't know what my rights were as a graduate assistant and student.
• It had nothing to do with me. Dr. D. was very insecure and had difficulties trusting people
• As I was in a powerless position, I could not officially complain about my abusive supervisor. I needed this work, and there was no safe way to complain and no implemented process by which to fix problems between students and advisors.
• Never in my mind did I intend to take revenge on my advisor. After I registered for my Ph.D., Dr. D. learned a lesson from his mistake and did not repeat it with another student.

“I would rather be a little nobody, than to be an evil somebody.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Not everyone has been the victim of bullies, but everyone has seen bullying and abusive bosses, advisors and personnel. Seeing it and keeping silent and not objecting, could have a damaging effect that lingers for years if not decades. Not only knowing, but doing what is right, is what really matters.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” ― Desmond Tutu

We focus in this world so much on our differences. This has helped lead to negativity and bullying. If, on the contrary, everybody focused on what we have in common, our humanity, we would be able to live in harmony. And instead of fighting about our diversity we would be celebrating it!

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

*Enclosed photo can be found here

Serving With Heart

“There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.” ― Dalai Lama

My love for people seems to have started at a very early age. Being brought up in a busy neighborhood in Beirut shaped my love for service and leadership. The other kids flocked after me to play and to join any activity I started. While some of them enjoyed kindling quarrels, I was the one who solved the problems and found a peaceful solution among my polarized friends.

My life was going perfectly well, I had lots of friends, was highly active and an extrovert until the age of 11 when the civil war started in my country. Partly for reasons of personal safety, I suddenly turned inward, left my neighborhood friends and their stories, and sat down alone, listening to music and reading countless books. At first, my books were about romance and fiction, and then I shifted to more serious materials—like history books, memoirs and literature. Reading was my escape, my mind developer and my future shaper.

At the age of 16, I thought I knew what I would do with my life. I wanted to rise above my ugly, brutal reality and change things, creating something new. I had big dreams, and I wanted to achieve them. Nothing would stop me from pursuing them, not even the war. I knew the only way to achieve that was to focus on my studies and work hard.

In spite of the dreadful situation in my country, I managed to excel at school and university. This enabled me to seize a very rare scholarship to pursue higher education at one of the most prestigious universities in the United Kingdom.

My love for people and my social skills resurfaced when I moved there. It was because I could relax and enjoy a normal life, and was no longer living in fear. I met lots of people who quickly became my friends. I hosted parties and was the glue among my diverse friends who came from different backgrounds and countries.

After completing my Ph.D. studies, I came back home and joined the faculty at Notre Dame University. In addition to teaching, I was the academic advisor of a large number of students. Working in academia was a blessing for me as it allowed me to be in contact with and serve many students on a daily basis.

At the end of my second year at NDU, I was asked to chair my department. I accepted the offer without any reservation because I knew deep down that with this new position I could do what I love best: connect, listen and serve.

There are endless stories I could share about my work here, but I am particularly fond of the following one:

In one of my classes, I had a timid student who sported a punkish hair style. In the middle of the semester, he disappeared and I knew nothing about him until his older brother came to fill in a withdrawal form for all of his courses. I enquired about his reason for having dropped the semester but the brother refused to talk about it. Two years later, I had a call from the student affairs officer who had an unusual request.

He said, “I would understand if you refuse to help because the other chairpersons have refused, but I just want to try with you.” He then added, “There was a student who took a course with you two years ago who dropped the course. His name was X.” I said, “Yes, I remember him very well.” He replied, “Well, he disappeared from your class because he was arrested for possession of drugs and then he was put in jail as the quantity he had was slightly larger than that of personal usage.” Then he added, “Now, he is totally clean from drugs and is feeling really wasted and just needs another chance to resume his courses.” My immediate reaction was to ask how I could help the young man.

Then we agreed that I would send him all the course materials and the student affairs officer would pay a visit to see whether he was facing problems and report back to me. The student sat for an exam in the presence of the SAO officer and passed the course. The following semester, he passed two courses that I arranged with other instructors from my department. The next academic year, I got a surprise visit from my formerly estranged student. He looked older and wiser. He gave me a good hug and thanked me for what I had done. Then we sat together and discussed how he could proceed to finish his degree. He did just that and started a new life, sober and clean.  

Finally, let me share with you the basic lessons I have picked up from my modest experience in serving others:

• If you connect, listen and help with all your heart, your actions will be echoed all around you and for many years to come.
• You need to support and aid others before starting to lead them.
• Embrace diversity, accept people for who they are and acknowledge that we are all different in the way we perceive the world, in what we like or dislike.
• Empathize, let your people feel that you care for them and that you share mutual trust. They will open up to you, and their problems will become less overwhelming and manageable.

 “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ― Confucius

* I would like to thank my friend Richard Pennington for his most valuable comments!

Success or Failure: It’s a Relative Matter

We celebrated the Dean’s list ceremony at my university two weeks ago. When I was reading the list of successful students who were on that list, I was happy to see some “regular” names but I was even happier to see some new names on it. In particular I was thrilled to see the name of one of my advisees, “Elie C.,” who made it to the Dean’s list for the first time although he was close to being suspended from the university a couple of semesters ago.  Two years back, Elie came to my office asking for help because he had received some severe suspension warnings from the administration. I advised him to change his major and try to make a new start. I warned him at that moment and made it clear to him that this was his last chance. To my surprise and that of everyone else, not only did he manage to pass his exams but he passed them brilliantly!

“Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure”—Napoleon Hill

Another story on success and failure came to my mind when celebrating this event. I recalled an incident when I was about ten years old. At that age, I did extremely well at school. Although my parents were happy every time I brought my grade book home, my reward was simply some kisses with a couple of words of encouragement. On the other hand, I had a friend who was relatively less talented than me and who occasionally passed her exams. But every time she did not fail her semester, her parents threw her a big party to celebrate her “success.” At that age, I was cynical of these parties and did not understand why my friend’s parents were so impressed by their daughter’s minimal success.

One day when I came home with my grade book, my mother was doing some ironing. I said, “Mom, I came in first in my class.” She answered me back, “OK,” without even looking at me, and then continued her work. I got so upset at that moment and replied to her promptly, “Is that all you can say to me? Should I fail my exams first and then pass them so that you would be happy for me?” All I could think of at that time was the parties that my friend got for simply passing her semester. Mom then stopped what she was doing and came to me. She explained, “ Sweetheart, coming in first in your class is no longer news for us. Now you need to surprise us with something different.” Hearing Mom say this taught me something very important at that early age: we can’t be successful if we remain in our safe harbor. We need to always get outside our comfort zone and explore something new.

One needs to try always some new ventures to surprise and impress not only others but also oneself. A life-long learning approach is needed to continue to achieve that success. Also, we need to trust ourselves, be more willing to take risks, explore new ideas and always look for creative solutions for any of our problems. The most wasted of all lives is the one without sweat and the world’s most boring game is “Playing it safe.” We should never stand still; we must always go forward, follow our dreams and stick to our plans.

I shall finish this post with one of my favorite inspirational quotes that stresses the importance of dreaming, exploring and pioneering in order to achieve sustainable success:

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination"—Oscar Wilde

Picture by Karim Abou Samra

Thank You RAP for your valuable Comments!

Finishing is Winning

In what follows, I give a summary of the compelling memoirs of a friend of mine who happens to be a marathon runner. His story emphasizes the importance of finishing any project one starts with or one launches. We tend to brag about doing things, and too often we quit with half the job done. This story is a real proof of strength of will and determination. I would like to emphasize here that I myself am not a marathoner and could hardly run 26.2 meters, let alone a marathon of 26.2 miles!

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back." — Abraham Lincoln

Here is the Summary:

I had been running since I was a teen, doing 5Ks and some longer races, even winning a few. I was occasionally asked if I had ever run a marathon. My answer then was that I did not like running really long distances. But I suppose I heard the question so many times, I grew tired of it and wanted to say yes. I registered in a marathon in my hometown without telling a soul. Even my family was not informed because I did not know whether I would be able to complete the distance. Still, I was hopeful if not confident of finishing it in a decent time. The race went surprisingly well. My time was 2 hours, 48 minutes and 2 seconds (2:48:02), and my friends were all surprised that I had run and come in at such a time. That was the first of what turned out to be 33 marathons I ran.

            One of the things of which I am most proud is that I have competed in between 550 and 600 races, and never have I dropped out. Even when I was feeling bad and in the process of earning an unimpressive time, I always slogged my way to the finish line. Once, while running a marathon, I was having some genuine soreness in my legs as early as the fifth mile. It was much worse by 10, by which time I had decided I would give it up at the halfway mark, where my family and friends would be waiting. But when I got there, they were all smiling and cheering, and I simply could not do it. I waved back and soldiered on painfully. I stopped so often, I knew my time would be terrible, but I was determined to get to that finish line. It had taken me 3 hours and 9 minutes, by far the worst time of my entire “marathoning” career. Still, despite it all, I was proud that I managed to get from start to finish. This was a huge character test, and I had passed.

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." — Confucius

I had signed up to run in other marathons later that year, but injuries prevented me from running. I finally had to admit the obvious: My marathon career had come to an end. I still ran in 5Ks and 10Ks, but time had offered the perspective to realize what those 33 marathons meant to me. I have had some pretty wonderful moments with the shorter races, but the marathons I ran were the peak of my rather modest athletic life. Indeed, they were builders of character with moments and sometimes hours in the crucible when failure and success were both possible. And if, as has been said, finishing is winning, then I had won 33 times.

Finishing-is-winning is common wisdom shared among marathon runners. Running a marathon can simulate many aspects of our personal lives and careers because it includes the key ingredients: the will to start, the perseverance to continue and the joy of finishing. And finally, on judgment day we will be judged on what we have finished—and thus won.

“If forced to choose between something being perfect and being done, remember leaders get stuff done.” ―Matt Monge

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